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I Can't Believe She Did That!: Why Women Betray Other Women at Work

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The massive influx of women into the workplace in the past thirty years means a whole new category of problems has arisen among women at work. Suddenly, women are working over, under, and alongside other women. Women on the job have grown more comfortable with ambition, competition, and success, but that hasn't negated the value they place on communication and relationships―on being liked and being nice.

In this provocative social and cultural exploration of the often troubled and painful dynamics that unfold among women at work, Nan Mooney explores how and why some women hurt each other on the job, and what we can do to begin cleaning up the mess.

I Can't Believe She Did That! provides vivid insights on the emotional toll competition can take on working women and charts a path towards more productive and fulfilling relationships for professional women everywhere.

288 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

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About the author

Nan Mooney

3 books11 followers
Nan Mooney is the author of three books and numerous articles for publications including the Washington Post, The Daily News, Slate.com, the Utne Reader, Women's eNews and Alternet among others. She currently lives in Seattle with her son Leo and lots of rain.

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5 stars
8 (13%)
4 stars
22 (37%)
3 stars
19 (32%)
2 stars
9 (15%)
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1 (1%)
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
Profile Image for Gina.
747 reviews12 followers
December 21, 2019
2.5 stars
Much like The Sociopath Next Door, I Can't Believe She Did That was probably more compelling when released in 2005. Or not. A series of cases, the book doesn't offer much in the way of solving a very real issue.
Profile Image for Karen.
383 reviews15 followers
September 9, 2013
This book is a pretty useful guide to women's relationships at work. It is full of true stories of friendships gone wrong, and it is a very insightful look at why some of these women behave the way they do. It is particularly useful for people wondering why a friend would betray them, and of course, the answer to that is "that person was never your friend" anyway! As with most self-help books, this book is an excellent way to explore your feelings, and to understand the behaviours of others.
Profile Image for Tanya.
467 reviews6 followers
April 1, 2014
I DNF this book, it was from the library. I may pick it up again. It WAS good, and very true to life, sadly. I have been through most of the scenarios in the book! But I was going through the experience while I read it, and decided to walk out of an abusive workplace and move on with my life. Sometimes, life takes the place of reading.

There were no "solutions" in the book, but that's not what it is. It's a case study.
Profile Image for Michele.
82 reviews1 follower
August 18, 2017
page 156 The biggest complaint older women had about the younger generation boiled down to two words: no respect. There is often a feeling that "girls today" don't have the proper appreciation for the struggles the older women went through to open those doors they are now striding through. Like Helen, they saw the younger generation as too selfish and too hungry, as wanting it all, wanting it now, and having no interest in paying their dues.

page 188 Groups devoted to transcending personal concerns in order to please others often lack guidelines about how to deal with conflict, because conflict is not supposed to exist.

Page 189 Groups often develop unspoken rules about what emotions can be appropriately express or even experience in a particular professional setting. ... Organizational psychologists have discovered that conflict and competition are far more manageable in groups where there is a structure for dealing with them—including clear reward systems, avenues for complaint, and psychologically safe place where mistakes or allowed—as opposed to a solely cooperative or "friendly" atmospheres that do not sanction competition at all. Without an official outlet for disagreements, there is a danger of boundaries dissolving. Professional troubles became emotionally laden and can emerge couched in personal attacks.

Page 199 A healthy group is not one from which competition and conflict have been banished entirely. Research has shown women are more likely to work together successfully and environments which they're allowed to compete openly and legitimately for promotions, races, and other awards.

Page 213 this gentler definition of competition, figuring out how to succeed but not another's expense, echoed a style that most appealed to the women I interviewed. ... I did find the basic principles of athletic competition— Communication, fortitude, teamwork, trust— consistently echoed in the stories of those who had successfully worked out their differences on the job.

Page 216 The clinic operates on a trickle down leadership theory: strong, well-adjusted people at the top create a healthy atmosphere by listening, fostering a sense of trust, not feeling threatened by excellence, and striking a personal – professional balance.

Page 222 A capital and effectively resolving interpersonal conflict and tails the ability to separate what's actually going on from our perception of what's going on. "we inevitably make assumptions about other peoples desires and motivations," says Dr. Beth fisher Yoshida, of Columbia university's international center for cooperation and conflict resolution, "many of which may be accurate, but which may be damaging when they are wrong." ...
Women also need to learn to separate our individual relationships from our more overarching frustrations with the workplace itself. Organizational culture is a frequent source of alienation and disillusionment, and behaving "unprofessionally and "towards our female colleagues can be a way of acting out against unfair pressures and practices on the job.
Profile Image for Tania.
1,347 reviews31 followers
November 13, 2009
This was a very interesting read, and not specific to any one industry. In fact this covers every job from the service industry to the corporate world. There are a number of case studies explored throughout each chapter, with detailed analysis of each by the author. Some might find it shocking that women will do these things to one another; others might just find it sad. But certainly, the more we know about what motivates us to cut other women down rather than build them up will help us as a whole in the long run. The author is fairly neutral in most of the cases, pointing out what’s wrong on both ends of the story and giving some solutions for a middle ground that would lead to collaborative relationships between women on the job without sacrificing individuality or ambition.
Profile Image for Heidi.
176 reviews1 follower
November 6, 2014
Insightful, to say the least. The book forces the reader to be self-reflective in many ways. As a boss, instructor, and peer, have I participated in the types of behavior that Mooney discusses? Sadly, I have been the giver and receiver, certainly not to the level of most of the anecdotes, but I easily identified with the fears that motivated much of the bad girl behavior. The book not only caused self reflection, but it helped me better understand some of the dynamics in my current work situation. I think it's a good read. The evidence is largely anecdotal, but Mooney does a good job of supporting the stories with solid research. The book is probably a little outdated in terms of the logos used, but the ethos and pathos are definitely still relevant.
Profile Image for Julz.
111 reviews7 followers
April 19, 2007
I read this last spring, if I remember correctly, because I wanted to gain insight as to why women sabotage each other in the workplace.

I could relate to many of the scenarios, and it gave some sage advice, like not forgetting to draw a line between collegiality and friendship.

At the end, however, it devolved into a sort of feminist manifesto about adequate child care, which I thought was a red herring. Daycare issues have nothing to do with the backstabbing I've seen! Many an empty nester, DINK, or singleton have backstabbed at places where I've worked.
Profile Image for Anita Smith.
268 reviews40 followers
August 1, 2008
I want to disclose this right now... I really and truly do not experience any cattiness or bitchiness in my current work environment... it truly is the nicest, most harmonious and drama-free work environment that I have ever been a part of... and I love it! But I really love sociology, and I dig womens' studies too, plus this has lots of juicy and fun stories about other womens' experiences of cattiness in the workplace, which are always fun to read about when they're happening to other people and not to you, so that is why I am reading this book!
12 reviews
September 17, 2009
I probably never would have read this book if I hadn't received it as a graduation gift back in 2004. I finally got around to reading it and was somewhat fascinated. It slowed down a lot at the end and was a little repetitive but the information, stories, and message were thought provoking and educational. It revived my interest in the status women hold in today's world and in supporting a larger role for women in directing our society's next moves.
Profile Image for Indigotulip.
30 reviews
June 2, 2010
ok. I was disappointed. It's fine for a young woman - it's basic, superficial. Since it's been so long since the 60's, I wished someone had really taken a deep look, study and reflection into the topic. For me, this book wasn't it. However I certainly want to encourage her to continue and go farther. I look forward to her developing the subject - or others.
Profile Image for Tonya.
640 reviews
May 17, 2016
An interesting look at how women think. I have dealt with some of these situations at work before, so I could relate to alot of the stories in this book. I enjoyed the variety of personal stories about women in all fields, and how they relate. It gave me some good insight into the challenges women face in the workplace.
Profile Image for Diane.
15 reviews8 followers
August 31, 2008
If you have ever said to yourself "I'll never work for another woman again", read this book. Although it offers little by way of dealing with the culturally imparted passive aggression that women bring to the workplace, it helps just to have one's experiences validated.
Profile Image for Angela.
Author 7 books11 followers
August 11, 2009
Gives insight into different issues professionals face from different prospectives. I thought the author did a great job addressing a complex topic.
Profile Image for Renee.
213 reviews11 followers
October 22, 2010
A very helpful book for women in business and other fields known for their notorious treatment of women (usually by other women).
Profile Image for Britta.
52 reviews
January 3, 2012
I come back to the insights in this book again and again in my life. I had the opportunity to interview the author, too, which was a cool connection.
Profile Image for Linda .
252 reviews2 followers
September 1, 2012
Great book if you need the validation; however, there were no practical solutions as to what you can do when forced to work with difficult people.
Profile Image for Elizabeth.
128 reviews
March 13, 2013
I wish I could give this book 2 1/2 stars. It was OK. It was a quick read and certainly made me think, but it wasn't until the second to last page that I read anything that moved me at all.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews

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